Babylon 5 Cheaper By The Nearly 3 Dozen!
by Nyt Yanse
Summary: What if Sheridan was descended from Tom Baker and his kids? If I get enough reviews I may develop this into a miniseries. Just name any canon character or group of canon characters! Please review if you like this idea!
1. Chapter 1

Title: Babylon 5- Cheaper By The Nearly 3 Dozen.

Fandom: Babylon 5 crossover Cheaper By The Dozen.

Characters: Sheridan, Ivanova, Shed loads of OC's, Lennier, Draal, Corwin.

Rating: PG.

Disclaimer: I do not think that I can do a better, equal or even passable imitation of The Great Maker Stracysnski, nor the Gilbreths. This is just for fun. I don't own it. I don't get money from it. Sue me and I'll laugh. And hide.

Warnings: AU. Sheer ridiculousness.

Spoilers: Well, I don't think this qualifies as a spoiler thing with B5, and it's not a direct x-over with CBTD so I'll take a risk and say none, but don't quote me on that.

Summary: What if Sheridan was descended from Tom Baker and his clan? If I get enough reviews I may develop this into a miniseries- the Babysitter Chronicles of Silliness. Just say who you wanna see being put through the horror of babysitting the doom hoard! Will accept any canon characters!

Author's Note: Nothing to do with the Amateur Redux Universe. I just had to get it out of my mind! I couldn't get this plot bunny to go wag its tail somewhere else!

***

"OK, well now that the Trigati's been dealt with, what's your plans?" Ivanova arched her back to try and relieve the stress pain.

"Well, I have to go down to customs, my kids are coming on board-"

"Kids!!! Your kids are coming here!?! You're bringing those horrors to the station!?! How can you do this to us?!" Ivanova looked aghast and began praying in her mind to God that she'd misheard him.

"Susan! My kids are not horrors! They are very well behaved!"

"..."

"They are! Since I'm now on a station as opposed to a ship I can have them living with me again- This'll be great!" He walks off, smiling.

"High priority alert!" Said Ivanova, turning to Corwin. "The station is doomed!"

***

"Ah, Captain." Sheridan looked to his left.

"Mr Lennier." The Minbari aide bowed to the Human. He still remembered his aunt and mother on the Black Star, but that was almost 10 cycles ago. He had to move on.

"What brings you to the customs hall?" Lennier asked out of curiosity. On Minbar he wouldn't have asked but Humans seemed to think that personal questions were a way to show respect. He thought.

"My kids are coming aboard." Lennier looked confused.

"You keep young goats?"

Laughing, Sheridan said "Ha! No, my sons and daughters, my offspring. 'Kids' is a slang term for children."

"Ah. You're a father?" Lennier was surprised. Warriors didn't have children when they were as young as Sheridan, and Religious and worker caste wouldn't be separated from their children in space.

"Yep." He looked so happy, Lennier realized he was truly just as emotional as any Minbari father with their children.

"If I may ask, how many children do you have?"

"32."

Lennier looked blank. "I'm sorry, I believe I misheard you..."

"No, you didn't. It's not usual among humans, but I have 32 children. My family have always had large numbers of children, except my parents, because my mother had health problems when she was pregnant with me and my sister. Everyone else in my family who are old enough to have started their own families have more than 10 children."

"Ah. I see. And your children are... all... coming to live with you?"

"Yep. It's going to be great!" Suddenly the floor vibrated slightly. Lennier looked to the side... Just in time to jump out of the way as a large wall of arms, legs and backpacks came out of nowhere headed for the Captain.

"DAD!"

"WE MISSED YOU!"

"GIMME A HUG!"

"ME FIRST!"

Lennier stared in horror at the huge mass of bodies, under which the Captain had disappeared.

"Hey! Come on kids!" He stood up, three small infants swinging from his neck. Four larger children continued to hug him around his middle as a group of over a dozen adolescents arrived, carting large baggage holders. They all called to their father, smiling.

Lennier looked at the huge crowd of Sheridans and said to himself, "In Valen's Name!" He sighed, realizing the inevitable truth. "The station is doomed."

***

John laughed as he served up dinner for his kids. He'd missed them so much on the Rim. He ducked as Heidi threw a spoon past his head. He'd almost cried himself to sleep he missed them so much. He jumped back as Bradley rode his tricycle past his knees.

He put the dish on the table as his kids crowded around. He was so happy he'd insisted on getting one of the redundant storage rooms for renovation into a home for him and his kids. Lily jumped on his back and started cheering in his ear. He just needed some more pieces of furniture and someone to care for the younger kids when he was working somewhere they couldn't stay with him. Samantha pushed a high graded essay in front of her face. He wondered who he could ask to babysit.

Justine grabbed him by the collar and kissed him on the cheek as she snagged a dinner roll. As they sat down, he knew he could look forward to a life of waking up at 5 o'clock with a bed full of arms and legs, dinners that would end with food all over the floor and near-constant hugging. He could hardly wait.

"Hey Dad," said Brett, "can I work on the maintenance crew?"

"I don't see why not." Said John as he began passing plates around.

"Oh my god!" Said Katherine, laughing. "The station is doomed!"

***

Four hours later, everyone was in bed. John sighed happily as he felt the heat from some of his children surrounding him. Jade and Rayne both spoke in their sleep. Herman, Harry and Edger all kicked. And Samuel was in his special night pants.

His four youngest, the quadruplets Amy, Forrest, Daniel and Damien were in their collective crib, slightly enlarged. At two and a half years old they were too young to share a bed with larger siblings. The older kids, the ones over 14 years old, were mostly in their own beds except for those who didn't mind sharing with a sibling or four. They were all asleep.

Draal looked at them from the Great Machine, smiling. He'd witnessed them coming aboard and had found out a lot about them using the resources of the Great Machine. He thought that, with things imminent to get as dangerous as he knew they would, Sheridan deserved whatever happiness he could find.

"They are so cute." He said. "The station is still doomed though."

***

A/N So, give me feedback and requests. This is a parody so don't be afraid to give me ridiculous babysitter requests! Single people or groups, I don't mind. Make them as silly and AU as you want! This isn't supposed to be a serious AU- obviously there is OOCness and continuity errors- this is just stupidity.


	2. Chapter 2

Characters: Garibaldi, Ivanova, Franklin, Shed loads of OC's, Zack, Corwin.

Rating: PG.

Disclaimer: I do not think that I can do a better, equal or even passable imitation of The Great Maker Stracysnski, nor the Gilbreths. This is just for fun. I don't own it. I don't get money from it. Sue me and I'll laugh. And hide.

Warnings: AU. Sheer ridiculousness, slight swearwords and mild (funny) violence.

Spoilers: Well, I don't think this qualifies as a spoiler thing with B5, and it's not a direct x-over with CBTD so I'll take a risk and say none, but don't quote me on that.

Summary: Susan and Stephen reflect on the suffering of others.

Author's Note: YAY TO REVIEWERS! Remember- the stories aren't supposed to make canonical sense, or be in exact chronological order in regard to the series itself so if you wanna see someone stupidly unlikely like Valen or Dukhat do it- just say the word! I'll make it happen.

"It's alright... It's OK... Just breathe... The sedative will kick in soon..." Soothed Stephen.

Michael continued to gibber quietly as Susan stalked the MedBay, fuming. "Corwin last week, then Zack and now Michael! Those little freaks of nature won't stop until we are all institutionalised!"

"Susan! There's no need to be so nasty, they're just kids! I highly doubt they meant to do this..."

"I want this one!" Screamed Kyle.

"NO! That's mine! You have that one!" Yelled Lee.

"I don't want that one, it's dented!"

"YOU'RE DENTED!"

"AM NOT!"

"ARE TOO!"

"Hey, hey, hey, cool it, both of you-" tried Garibaldi, when he was painfully cut off by a firm bite on one ear. "Yeouch!"

"Unca Mickey Unca Mickey, weeties, weeties, weeties, weeeeeetiiiieeees!" Came an agonisingly deafening screech in one ear.

"Ah, oh, wait Jenny." Whimpered Garibaldi, trying valiantly to refocus his eyes for a moment. "Hey, could you teens come help me out please?"

"Screw you baldy, you ain't my boss!" Roared Daniel, who was chewing on something he probably hadn't paid for yet.

"Yeah, yeah, with you in a mo." Dismissed Kym, enraptured in the latest tabloid antics of some vid star and his skank of the week.

"Huh?" Mumbled Tracy, vacant eyes roaming somewhere over his hairline.

"I'd love to help." Said Hannah, smiling widely. And then pinching his buttocks- _hard_. Gulping at the thought of his boss finding out that his 12 year old daughter had molested his security chief, Garibaldi backed up fast.

And jumped even higher when he felt the indignity of a full palm slap to his other buttock. Whipping around, he saw Nigel standing behind him with a big grin and a wink.

Susan continued to fume as Garibaldi slowly stopped whimpering, and passed out.

"So, what happened to you?" Asked Stephen. Answering her glare, he said "I know you babysat them on Io that one time."

"I'd rather not discuss it if you don't mind. Let's just say that it was worse than Zack."

Stephen stepped back, horrified.

"Come out come out wherever you are." Came the hauntingly melodious voice as Carly ducked around the corner. She caught a glimpse of polished shoes vanishing around the corner as Zack scurried out of sight.

"Where, oh where, could by little toy be?" Wailed Terry theatrically, faking sobs.

Zack quivered as he hid under his desk. Sheridan had to be back at any minute, surely! He had to be. He HAD to be!

Suddenly, Zack smelt the acrid smell of singing carpet and, screwing up his entire courage, he stood up fast.

A length of rope appeared out of nowhere and hoisted him off the ground by his waist. The Sheridan crowd were all standing below him, cheering and laughing as he swung from the ceiling panel.

"Well, I'm sure they didn't mean to completely destroy his office." Said Stephen. "Probably just mean to blacken the carpet a bit."

"They used fuel oil to heat up the flames!" Yelled Susan incredulously. "And how do you rationalise the hostage taking?"

"They're kids! They didn't mean to do anything bad, they were just playing around!"

"Then how do you explain Corwin?"

"... Child play gone too far?"

"Now listen Mary-"

"I'm Tina!"

"You are?" Whimpered Corwin, looking around frantically. "But I thought she was Tina!"

"I am not!" Squawked the little girl he was pointing too. "I'm Annabelle!"

"But..."

"What were you saying, Corblimey?" Asked a tall brunette with braids and a sweetly evil smirk.

"It's Corwin." Mumbled the confused Lieutenant as he tried to look in eight different directions at once. "Huh?"

"You were about to tell us something. Something about food." Chirped a small boy with smears on his chin.

"I was?" He asked, jumping as he felt something splash against his back. Deciding he didn't want to know what it was, he said, "I'm not sure I was-"

"Well then, what were you going to say?" Demanded one of the older boys, who towered over Corwin by about two feet. "What else would you tell a group of children?"

"I-"

"When do we get chocolate! You said we could have chocolate!" Screamed an agonised four year old.

"I did not-"

"What are you talking about? You just did!"

"Huh?"

"Come on Charlie, give us the sweets!"

"My name's not Charlie, it's David Corwin." Said a nearly tearful officer.

"No... His name is David. And his is Corwin. Yours is Charlie, Jamie. Now get us some sweeties." Said a tall redhead.

Corwin tried not to visibly wilt as he rushed off to find some sweeties...

"Speaking of Corwin, how's his therapy going?"

"Quite well. He's managed not to flinch at the sound of his name."

"Oh, good."

As Garibaldi began to snore, Ivanova and Franklin wandered to the side. Suddenly the sullen Russian spoke.

"I only babysat them for two hours."

"And?"

"I hid in the closet ten minutes in and linked in to the nearest Marine barracks to air lift me out."


	3. Chapter 3

Characters: Shed loads of OC's, Lennier, Delenn, Sheridan, Vir, Londo, Na'Toth, Zack, Ivanova, Talia.

Rating: PG.

Disclaimer: I do not think that I can do a better, equal or even passable imitation of The Great Maker Stracysnski, nor the Gilbreths. This is just for fun. I don't own it. I don't get money from it. Sue me and I'll laugh. And hide.

Warnings: AU. Sheer ridiculousness.

Spoilers: Well, I don't think this qualifies as a spoiler thing with B5, and it's not a direct x-over with CBTD so I'll take a risk and say none, but don't quote me on that.

Summary: The buck passes.

Author's Note: Remember- the stories aren't supposed to make canonical sense, or be in exact chronological order in regard to the series itself so if you wanna see someone stupidly unlikely like Valen or Dukhat do it- just say the word! I'll make it happen

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

"I am still unsure if this is wise Delenn..."

"It is alright Lennier. John has promised me that his children will behave."

Lennier doubted that given what Mr Garibaldi had told him. He had never taken the Mora Dum, but he felt if he could survive this, it would suffice.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

Delenn had left with Sheridan for their dinner four minutes ago and Lennier was counting the seconds until she returned.

He had taken refuge in the toilet facilities in 30 seconds. Garibaldi's stories, it appeared, were not even slightly exaggerated. He had only one hope left.

Activating his comm. link he said "Vir! Vir, can you hear me?"

"Yes, Lennier, what is it?"

"I need your help desperately. Where are you?"

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

"Ahhh! NOOOO!" Vir sprinted from the room with all speed, his hair crest quivering in distress. Practically through the door in his rush, he tried for the fourth time to raise his friend.

"Lennier, please! They're making me do fish impressions! LENNIER!"

But it was no good. The Minbari was so deep in his meditation, he probably wouldn't notice if he died.

As the Humans said, desperate times call for desperate measures.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

"When you told me you wanted a favour, you didn't say anything about having to undergo physical and psychological torture!"

"I'm not sure it really counts as torture-" If the comm. unit could have melted by will power alone, it would have.

"Vir Cotto." Snarled Na'Toth. "This is not worth you owing me for life! If you do not come out from under whatever rock you crawled under and help me with these brats you stuck me with for TEN WHOLE MINUTES..." Vir cut off the transmission abruptly. As suicidal as that was, he would choose angering a female Narn over being near these human monsters any time.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

"Na'Toth, I understand your position but please, there must be someone else available." Whimpered the blond telepath.

"I am sorry, Miss Winters, but you are human, surely you must have an idea of what to do to entertain them."

"So far, I've juggled, I've done the younger girl's hair and even played catch with the boys- my fingers are still stinging from that, by the way- I've run out of ideas!"

"What about your talents?" Came the sly question.

"If you mean telepathy, it's against regulations, not to mention highly unethical." She said sternly.

"Well, it's your sanity." Came the wry reply, and Talia could hear her shrug her shoulders. As the cackles came closer to her hiding place, she started thinking.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

John came in, smiling. He loved his dinner with Delenn, she'd listened so patiently to all of his kid stories without complaint. She would make a great mother one day...

The doors swished open and a mass of scales and robes flattened him to the floor.

Coughing, he said "D'Ran'Gar? What are you doing here?"

Gibbering madly, the Drazi Ambassadors aide ran down the corridor hectically, gasping.

John stepped through to find his sweet children smiling widely and innocently.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

As Delenn came through the door, her residual smile faded to surprise when she spotted Lennier sitting calmly on the sofa.

"Lennier! What are you doing?"

"I returned early to finish my meditation in peace. Vir took over the child care." He said evenly.

"Ah. I understand. So how was it?"

"I do not know. I was in a deep state of meditation for most of it. I suppressed all memory of the rest."

Delenn laughed shortly, assuming Lennier was kidding.

Lennier just continued to smile calmly.

*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*/*\*

"So how did the Drazi get there?" Asked Susan.

"Apparently, the Brakiri trader couldn't think of anyone else when he broke." Said Stephen.

"I just wanna know who asked the Pak'Ma'Ra to do it." Said Zack.

"No idea." Said Londo. "All I know is, Vir seems to have a renewed appreciation for the duties I give him."

The others fell into gloomy silence, reflecting that, by the time John and his horde of demons were through with the station, there wouldn't be a sane person on it.


End file.
